Someone to look at the stars with

I can't sleep because of my dilemma: Either move to San Francisco and broaden my education and experience in journalism, or stay at Cabrillo with the awesome people I've met so far in my college career and not worry about working my way up from the bottom. I tossed and turned in my bed for about a half an hour with my heart beating at a million thuds a minute. I felt queezy... not because of something I drank or ate... but because of the fact that whatever I choose, I will inevitably miss out on something whereas before, I thought I had it all. Simply knowing the ease of transferring to CCSF and the opportunities it offers and knowing the million billion things I'll miss in Santa Cruz and Cabrillo is seperating my heart into jagged little mosaic pieces. And now as I sit here with the 1,000 piece puzzle in front of me that I used to call my heart, I wonder if moving to San Francisco will bring it back together, or make the pieces disappear completely, leaving me cold and dead in a city of strangers....

"What to do," I grunted to myself.

After realizing I couldn't sleep without the help of sleeping pills, I decided to take a walk to 7-11. I was almost tempted to buy a pack of cigarettes, but after realizing what it does to my voice and my health, I decided against it. Not to mention, due to a $300 overdraft fee from my bank, I have about 7 dollars to my name right now.

Either way, I still hopped out of bed, put on a pair of windbreakers and a sweatshirt, and stepped outside in hopes that heaven will offer me a revelation. With my eyes fixed on the stars, I made it a block down the street and to my surprise, I saw the Big Dipper constellation. It's literally been years since I last saw it. I stood in that place for at least 15 minutes in wonderment and took in all of the beauty. I had forgotten how beautiful the Big Dipper was and how the stars aren't exactly all white... if you look hard enough, you can see it shimmering flashes of red, yellow, and blue. For that moment, my queeziness was gone, my head cleared up, and I was happy. I had forgotten about the stress of school, my aunt's sickness, the situation with my car, and my SF/Aptos dilemma. I was simply a speck of a mere mortal staring up at a vast sky full of aesthetic mystery.

But now I'm back inside and the stress has returned. On top of that, I know that if I don't get sleep tonight, tommorow morning (technically speaking, this morning), I will yet again be a walking zombie. In turn, I will get even more sick than I am now, and probably fall into a state of depression... of which I truly hope will not happen. I'm thinking of staying up and studying until 5 when my gym opens and work out to clear my thoughts. But I'm also thinking that I need sleep and without sleep, I will not be able to function.

Sigh. Sometimes I ask God why I was born with such a curious and active mind... a mind that loves to think and to question and to have an extreme case of attention deficit disorder... I get so tired of thinking, but then I think about why I'm tired of thinking and get even more riled up about thinking about why I want to stop thinking and how and why I get so tired with something I love and hate to do but can't stop doing. Oh, if only I could take a walk inside the chaotic world inside my head. All of the random artifacts I would find... the crazy imaginated monsters I made up as a kid... hurtful memories that I've stashed into the deepest corners of my psyche to preserve my sanity and enthusiasm for the world... unfinished thoughts and daydreams I have on a daily basis. Knowing me, I'd get excited to see those unfinished thoughts, plop down on the floor and strive to give them unique endings.

Disruption. The fog as disappeared and my train of thought is cut short: my mom walked in and started nagging again.

"You'll fall asleep if you just put your back on your bed and close your eyes," she said.

Little does she know it's not my back, body, eyes, or head that's keeping me from sleeping. It's my heart. It won't stop beating so hard and so fast as to sounding like a big drum banging inside my ears. A blessing and a curse combined, my passionate heart stays awake and doesn't let my mind rest until I've come up with a resolution to my dilemma. The impatience of this passion I posses is driving me crazy, but I'm glad for it anyhow because I think I've become content with the situation... whatever I decide in the upcomming days/weeks/months, I know that I will make the best of it as I always do. A true cynical optimist, I have the tendency to freak out about making huge decisions or facing stressfull situations, but after thinking and writing about it, I realize the stupidity of my over thinking and remember to trust my heart. My heart is the optimist and my brain, the cynic. The two live to keep each other in check, but I think this time.... this particular time... I will allow my heart to win. At least, for now. So I can get some sleep.

*yawn*

Wow. I have absolutely no idea what I just wrote in the past hour. When I get the urge to write, it's like a tick... I have to keep writing and writing until there are no words left and the trance that I get myself into has ended. Most of the time, the experience is a delightful euphoria, but sometimes, like tonight, it was like I was on auto-pilot and I couldn't control myself from turning on the computer and spilling these words out onto this digital paper.

Well... at least now I feel like I can finally sleep. :)

Photoshop CS

I love Photoshop.





Click on the image to view bigger version.

Song of the moment: Shoot Shoot


Warning: My thoughts were extremely cluttered when I was typing this and I have posted it here without editing any of it for it's content--have it be bad grammar, run-on sentences, misspellings, etc. Everything here was written out of pure compulsive rage: I wrote what was in my head and pushed out the anger by expressing it with limitless vulgarity. However, I do not apologize for my offensive language, for this is how I really sound like in person when I'm steaming mad. With that, I hope you enjoy the show and realize that there are far more bizarre, slightly schizophrenic people out there than you think. I am a living example of that manically eccentric group.


I am so fucking tired of my stupid senior English class. Ever since the beginning of the year, my stupid teacher, combined with the shitty ass books we read has lowered my overall interest in READING. I haven't been able to really enjoy what I'm reading because of the way that that whore Mrs. Martin teaches the class and her damn shitty passive agressive behavior. I'VE HAD ENOUGH.


I don't even need English right now to graduate--and since I'm going to Cabrillo anyways, I don't see the fucking point. So far in the school year, I would read certain parts of our textbook novels and basically bullshit my way through essays, quizzes and tests. I've managed to get a B in the class, but I seriously CAN'T FUCKING STAND IT ANY LONGER. I know I have the ability to comprehend complex reading material. I know I can write damn good essays if I really commit myself to it. The problem with my class is that my motivation to really do well is crushed by the half-ass books that we read. Everything we've read so far in the class are basically ALL THE SAME. They're all depressing third-world country crap, at least 2 of the main characters die, and the whole plot of ALL OF THEM is basically about the harshness of living in huts and the gender inequality of this and that and WHATEVER.


Fucking A.


Here's a list of some of the books we've read so far:


-Cracking India by Bapsi Sidhwa (The plot doesn't pick up from the ashes of boringsville until 250 pages into the book. That's half of the fucking book gone to waste with lame shit that no one cares about)


-Things Fall Apart by Chinhua Achebe (People in 10th grade read this shit. Some African guy named Okonkwo leads the perfect life and eventually brings it down to ruins after making a few stupid mistakes. Boring!)


-Nectar in a Sieve by Kamala Markandaya (Some chick's depressing experience as an Indian bride. THE END.)


-Bride Price by Buchi Emecheta (Rivalry of two villages in Africa. Some chick's family pays the "Bride Price" to the groom and his family. Slightly depressing in a boring sort of way. BLAH.)


-No One Write to the Colonel by Gabriel Garcia Marquez (This was actually one of the only books I liked. Although, I liked interpreting the symbolism that Marquez used rather than actually reading through it. This was one of the books that got me to look deeper and find the treasures that the author hides on purpose in order to get the reader to think about the message that he's trying to convey.)



I told my friend, Lorraine about my plans to drop the class. She said that it's a stupid idea because even if the class is indeed shitty, I have the opportunity to exercise my writing and book interpretation skills that will help me out in college english. Realistically, I feel as if I have not learned anything usefull in the class thusfar except for the experience of reading really boring books for nearly two semesters. On the bright side, I toned my skills in bullshiting in essays--managing to get an A on an interprative essay while reading just two chapters throughout the book itself. It may be good practice if I were to major in law, but in the long run, I really have just developed a bad habit that will eventually ruin me if I were to pursue a career in journalism.


So, in my own twisted conclusion, in order to prevent myself from destroying my ability to write as a real journalist--particularly the ability to actually know and care about the subject of my future compositions, not to mention my SANITY--I have no choice but to drop my ridiculous English class. And I will do so tommorow after my government class. Doing this will not only remove the dragging load off of my shoulders and give me more time and energy to work on classes that I need to pass for graduation, but I will finally re-gain my passion for reading and writing.


[End of rant]


For those of you who read this cluttered mess of random bursts of rage, I thank you. Writing this not only made me realize the urgency of the situation, but has relieved me of my built-in frustration.

This Blogger is dead.

I've just been way too busy to update this thing. So yeah. I declare this blog officially dead.

   

Bush's Accomplishments

Song of the moment: Like A Stone by Audioslave



George W. Bush's 50 greatest accomplishments

1. I attacked and took over two countries.
   
2. I spent the US surplus and bankrupted the US treasury.
   
3. I shattered the record for the biggest annual deficit in history (not easy)
   
4. I set an economic record for the most personal bankruptcies filed in any 12 month period.
   
5. I set all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
   
6. I am the first president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
   
7. I am the first president in US history to enter office with a criminal record.
   
8. In my first year in office I set the all-time record for the most days on vacation by any president in US history (tough to beat my dad's, but I did).
   
9. After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, I presided over the worst security failure in US history.
   
10. I set the record for most campaign raising trips by any president in US history.
    
11. In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.
    
12. I cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any other president in US history.
    
13. I set the all-time record for most real estate foreclosures in a 12-month period.
    
14. I appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any other president in US history.
    
15. I set the record for fewest press conferences of any president since the advent of TV.
    
16. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in US history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
    
17. I signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any other US president in history.
    
18. I cut health-care benefits for war veterans.
    
19. I set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any one person in the history of mankind.
    
20. I dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history.
    
21. I've made my presidency the most secretive and unaccountable of any in US history.
    
22. Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US histiry (the poorest multimillionaire, Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her).
    
23. I am the first president in US history to have all 50 states of the union simultaneously struggle against bankruptcy.
    
24. I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud in any market in any country in the history of the world.
    
25. I am the first president in US history to order a US attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against the will of the United Nations and the vast majority of the international community.
    
26. I have created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the US.
    
27. I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any other president in US history (Reagan was hard to beat, but I did it!!!)
    
28. I am the first president in US history to compel the United Nations to remove the US from the Human Rights Commission.
    
29. I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the Elections Monitoring Board.
    
30. I removed more checks and balances and have the least congressional oversight of any presidential administration in US history.
    
31. I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
    
32. I withdrew from the World Court Of Law.
    
33. I refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
    
34. I am the first president in US history to refuse United Nations elections inspectors access during the 2002 elections.
    
35. I am the all-time US (and world) record holder for the most corporate campaign donations.
    
36. The biggest lifetime contributor to my campaign, who is also one of my best friends, presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of EnronCorporation)
    
37. I spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US history.
    
38. I am the first president to run and hide when the US came under attack (and then lied, saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1).
    
39. I am the first US president to establish a secret shadow government.
    
40. I took the world's sympathy for the US after 9/11, and in less than a year made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).
    
41. I am the first US president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
    
42. I changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
    
43. I set the all-time record for the number of administration appointees who violated US laws by not selling their huge investments in corporations that later made bids for gov. contracts.
    
44. I have removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in US history.
    
45. I have created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided that the US has been since the Civil War.
    
46. I entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.
    
47. I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).
    
48. I was AWOL from the National Guard and deserted the military during time of war. I refused to take a drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
    
49. All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father's library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view. All records of any SEC investigation into my insider trading or bankrupted companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
    
50. All minutes of meetings of any public corporations for which I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view. Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

   

30 Questions

Song of the moment: Last Night by The Strokes


   


1. WHATS ON YOUR MIND NOW?
How much it sucks how I have to work from 6PM-1AM on fucking NEW YEARS DAY. Gahhhhhh.


2. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The Strokes.


3. MODEL OF YOUR CELLPHONE?
I'm too poor to have a cellphone.


4. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
A whole bag of Hersey's kisses. =X


5. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Puke green, because I'd be used the least and I'LL OUTLIVE ALL THE OTHER CRAYONS, MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.


6. WHAT DO YOU DO DURING YOUR CHILL TIME?
Read, write, walk around downtown, SLEEP!


7. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My boss.... *cringe*


8. THE FIRST THING YOU THINK ABOUT WHEN YOU SEE THE
OPPOSITE SEX?
How ugly or good looking they are. HAH, I know I'm superficial.


9. AUTO OR MANUAL CAR?
I'm too poor to have my own car.


10. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
Last day of school.


11. FAVORITE PLACE?
Borders.


12. FAVORITE SPORTS?
Basketball, Tae Kwon Do, Soccer


13. DO U WEAR CONTACTS?
I wish I did.... I want those neato colored ones.


14. SIBLINGS AND THEIR AGES?
Rowena-23, Jonathan-22


15. THE COOLEST WAY YOU HAVE TO RELEASE PRESSURE?
Depends on what type of pressure! huk huk.


16. THINGS I HATE MOST.
Boring people, people who can't take hints, people who keep pushing your limits, people who wear Uggs with mini skirts, fat ho-bags who wear skimpy clothing and think they're hot.


17. WHAT IS THE BEST THING ABOUT BEING A GIRL/BOY?
I can blame everything on PMS.


18. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY?
Why do we have to choose? I'd rather have both.


19. MY BEST FRIENDS ARE:
Best friends are over-rated.


20. CHOCOLATES OR FLOWERS?
Chocolate. Definitely chocolate.


21. WHEN IM STUCK IN A JAM
I rock out?


22.Text or Call
Call.. I don't have a cellphone to text people. =[


23. IF YOU COULD TURN BACK TIME, YOU WOULD...
I don't have any regrets. It's stupid to have them while you know you can't change anything from the past. Even if you hypothesise that ability, I still think it's idiotic to think of the unevitable.


24. IN YOUR WALLET, YOU HAVE...
A shit load of receipts, my sister's AAA card, my sister's Wellsfargo card, my mom's Wells Fargo card, my school ID's, Initial D card, Timezone Austrailia arcade card, Spencer's frequent buyer card, various old studio pictures, Boardwalk frequent coffee card, Hot topic frequent buyer card, my aunt's business card, some other random business cards, social security card, Lorraine's senior picture, an old bus pass from October, ticket stub from the Grudge, application for a work permit, three ticket stubs from the Oregon Shakespeare festival (including The Royal Family, Humble Boy, A Raisin in the Sun, Much Ado About Nothing, and a backstage pass), ticket stub for Phantom of the Opera, and $180.


25. WHAT'S ON YOUR SCREEN SAVER
I don't think i use a screen saver....


26. FAVORITE BOARD GAME/s
Monopoly (I always win in that... bitches), chess


27. FAVORITE SMELLS?.
Freshly showered guys.


28. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU THINK OF BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP
What went on that day.


29. THINGS I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT:
Food and water. I think that's a general for everyone, though... except maybe the anorexics.


30. YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE?
"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." - James Dean

Jumping on rain puddles

Song of the moment: Fighter Christina Aguilera



First of all, my so-called "break" from the Internet is complete bullshit. I've been signing on every other day and checking my messages at MySpace/other lame websites. I've just been too scared write on this thing and post up another lame "So this is what happened today..." post. I haven't been writing real entries for two reasons:


1. I'm too lazy to come up with something witty and funny to talk about.
2. I've been fighting through an excruciating writer's block for a few months now and I've been afraid to write anything insightfull and have the end result be complete SHIT.


Call it truth, call it a phobia, but I've been noticing how my writing skills are slowly deteriorating because of this. But you know what? Screw that shit. I'm going to write whatever I want to write about and attempt to polish my rusted skills until it shimmers like silver once again.


Before I write anything else, however, I would like to re-post an old entry from a little over a year ago. I wrote about this exact same thing, and when I read over it, I felt the same feelings I once did when I was writing it. Here it is:

Friday, October 24, 2003

I lost touch with my true self.


It’s sickening to think what my Blogger has become. Mindless, mainstream bullshit, day in and day out. People ask me why I have deleted my previous posts for the past week. I ask myself why the fuck I posted that shit in the first place.


I remember the last time I opened the box of puzzle pieces, trying each and every combination to find the one that fits. In contrast to my writing, I spent my time, intricately piecing together each word in such a way that the former word, would complement the latter, creating an almost harmonious beat; a steady flow to my writing, unwavering in its strength and longevity. Trying each and every combination to find the one that fits, slowly unveiling the labryinth


Piecing together letters, creating a word, and building up those words to create a sentence, and those sentences to voice my thoughts out to the world. It seems like an eternity since that lapse of creative talent was tapped.


I noticed a growing trend in my posts - more specifically, referring to the time interval between each succeeding post. Characteristics that take a life of their own, accompanied by long lapse of silence and lack of creative ideas, or the feeling that this isn’t ‘post worthy’.


It hit me with much dismay. Perhaps my ‘skills’ as a writer is nothing but a temporary euphoria - a momentary lapse of creativity that is never constant, incapturable at best. A frightening ordeal that prompted me to lay my pen down to rest, only to feel its unusually cold surface in later uses.


Then it hit me. It came to me in a place where my mind can rationalize thoughts and idea to the utmost degree, where my usual state of consciousness could only dream to fathom. It came to me somewhere between my conscious mind and my fantasy world, where I can scale any mountain, overcome any obstacle and ponder the deepest objectives. Oddly enough, my most creative period of time is right before I fall asleep.



Chalk it up to perfectionist. An urge, almost the need to be creative, innovative and original. It's the desire to not repeat ones self, but to cultivate your thoughts into an ever-lasting creative renaissance.


I have slayed the ultimate enemy… myself.



That is probably one of my favorite posts of all time. I love to go back to my archives and read over my life... as said by me. At times, I feel as if I'm reading over someone else's life and experiences. As if these words that I once wrote with undeniable passion and vehement awareness of the beauty and ugliness of the world around me is taking place right in front of me. Like a television screen, all I can do is watch it happen and be completely helpless to do anything to change it.


Anyways, back to my 'yet-to-be mentioned' original topic.


I had the craziest time with my friends Robin and Alexis yesterday. Our roguish day started with me, waiting for the two bitches at the cafe on the second floor of Borders, impatiently sipping my medium-sized cup of mocha. I kept looking at the entrance, hoping for the two stooges to come walking in the door when I made an exasperated gesture with my hand. The next thing I knew, my mocha was all over my WHITE jacket and my favorite pink plaid dress.


"Holy mother fucking shit, you've GOTTA be kidding me." I said to myself in a loud, yet inconspicuous whisper. I then ran over to the counter and asked for a wet rag to dry off the results of my clumsiness.


The minute I stopped drying my dress, Robin and Alexis entered the store and gestured for me to go downstairs and begin our mischievous day. I then childishly gestured for them to come up to where I was so I could start complaining about my ruined outfit, but gave in to their laziness and walked down the stairs to where they were. Between a wall of self-help books, I had already started my whining before even reaching them. They laughed at my misdemeanor towards my poor white jacket, as we exited the store.


I made them come with my to Coldstone so I could pick up my paycheck, along with my tips from the day before. After that, we went to El Palomar and ate carne asada burritos with chips and salsa.




Robin didn't trust the dirty bathrooms at El Palomar (wonder why) so she held it in.... FOR THREE HOURS.





So after filling our stomachs up with good Mexican foodness, I dragged the two girls to Wells Fargo so I could cash my paycheck---$210.37---if you included my tips with my paycheck, it would be over $300. YAYUH. Anywho, we got to Wells Fargo just in time because the ren-a-cop security guy locked the doors as we entered the bank. My first thought was that they thought the three of us were going to attempt to rob the bank, thus the strategic move of locking the doors. Just kidding. The teller kept asking me if I wanted to open a checking account, but when I told her I was still 17, she shut the hell up and gave me my money.


After that, we walked on over to the Riverside Twins cinema and flipped a coin on what we were going to watch: Heads for Phantom of the Opera, and tales for Spanglish. I made a really lame joke about how 'Phantom' should be heads because of the symbolism of the face and the mask, but Robin just gave me a wierd look as I bathed in shame. The dime Robin flipped was heads up, so we decided to watch Phantom. Although, the movie wasn't going to start for another couple of hours, so we went back to the main downtown area and RAN AMUCK.


We went to a couple of stores, one of which was Urban Outfitters where we looked at sex books, sat on over-sized chairs, and laughed at their printed shirts.












ROBIN KNOWS GOOD SEX!







We made our way down the street, went to a few more stores, saw a few friends, chatted, and headed back to Coldstone where I bought everyone ice cream. After that, we made our way into MOON ZOOM--a hippyish/trendy second-hand store. Here are some pictures that document our craziness:






I bought these glasses for 7 dollars. Simply pimpin'.
























After we got tired of trying random costumes on, we headed back to the theatre where we took more pictures!




Alexis trying out the "pimp" look.









Robin re-inacting the Herabl Essences commercial in attempt to be sexy.



SEDUCING THE CAMERAWOMAN [me]



Robin's GUNS












Boo.... my sunglasses got cut off. *cries*



HAHA. It looks like aliens are trying to contact me through my glasses.



Rawr. ~_^


Whew. That's a lot of pictures (don't worry, there's more coming up.... huk huk). So yeah, after watching the movie, we walked/ran/skipped in the rain as I re-inacted some of the opera scenes. I saaaaaaaaaang and saaaaaaaaaaaang and made ears bleed.





From the theatre, I suggested we take a "short cut" through an alleyway so we could get out of the rain and back into Borders. My little "short cut" had a lock on it, bu we kept going into the dark alley where we found garbage dumps. Behind the dump, we saw a gate... which I thought led to the street... but when I opened it, it turned out that it was the entrance to some store. We saw a really creepy man in a one-piece garbage man outfit, so we SCREAMED our lungs off and ran away..... still screaming. And laughing. We somehow found the street where Borders was, but by that time, the storm had gotten worse and it kept raining as if God up in heaven is pissing on us. Thankfully, I wore jeans under my dress, since the wind kept blowing it up to my face.


Finally making it to Borders, we took even more pictures where we looked at MORE sex books and caused more mayhem than a group of wandering midget clowns. Hurrah!



The Three Muskateers exhausted from all the hot, dirty sex----er----I mean the violent wind and rain.












This was right when we entered Borders from the freak storm. I forgot what I was confused about...



I'M IN THE SEX BOOK DIET!



Why am I looking at an American Quilt calendar?



Robin looking away from the man from the background's dirty ass.



The pictures say it all. After that, we called out moms to pick us up. Borders closed before they could get here, so we waited outside... in the horrid rain.... AND TOOK MORE PICTURES! ahahahhahahahahahahaha.




Robin kept using me to block the wind away from her face. Stupid whore. Of course, Alexis did it too.



We're hiding from the wind. Shhhhhh! Don't tell him where we are! =O



The wind made us piss our pants.



Right before our rides got there, Alexis kept bothering Robin and I about jumping on the puddle with her. After a few minutes of her begging, I agreed to go with her. We ran, screaming, and JUMPED as high as we can on the huge puddle in the corner of the street. I then did my Native American rain dance and started singing, once again, and freaked out all of the sorrounding bums. Good times. Good mother fucking times.

Another break from the Internet

Yeah. I realised I'm starting to get back to my old, dirty habits of spending too much time on the Internet, so I've decided to take another "break" from it. Meaning, I won't even go near the computer unless I absolutely have to. I did it once for 9 months, I can do it again. *sigh*


It just sucks how it has to come down to this. I get too addicted to the computer and end up messing my life and schedule because of it. I'm just going to leave now before it gets out of hand like last time.


Later people. Until.... whenever, I guess.


   

Another quiz before I go to bed

My personality is rated 37.What is yours?quiz by midgetfarm.com




   

Insomnia is a bitter sweet pleasure with only bad consequences.

I am a fucking spaz

I checked out my "little brother from another mother's" profile (aka Ryan) and commented on his guestbook. I freaked out when I saw an old comment who seemingly had the same screen name as I did. I thought someone posed as me--whom I thought was Ryan pretending to be me and posting in his own guestbook so people would think he was cool. I had a nice laugh and made a comment about why he would want to do that... pretend to be me. After I made my 'second' comment, I IMed Ryan and confronted him about why he would want to post in his own guestbook. He then denied it, while I asked him why he would lie about something like that, when BAAAAAAAAAM! It hit me! I FREAKING POSTED THAT MESSAGE back in March. I was like..... "Wow, wtf. I'm lame." Anywho, here's part of that conversation:




Aph0tic Dawn: LOL! you loser!!!!
simianantithesis: whaat?
Aph0tic Dawn: you used my sn and posted in your own guestbook
Aph0tic Dawn: XD
simianantithesis: what?
Aph0tic Dawn: i saw it right after I posted
Aph0tic Dawn: omg
Aph0tic Dawn: don't even pretend you don't know what i'm talking about
Aph0tic Dawn: LOL
simianantithesis: i dont
Aph0tic Dawn: yeah you do
Aph0tic Dawn: well, now i posted twice
Aph0tic Dawn: but the one before that
Aph0tic Dawn: you
Aph0tic Dawn: or someone
Aph0tic Dawn: i don't know who
Aph0tic Dawn: posed as me
Aph0tic Dawn: From: Aph0tic Dawn
Email:
Time: 02-29-2004 12:37 AM
Subject: Ryan, the ladies man
Message: Hey, whores that are in love with my little brother/cousin/shrimpy/ducky/turtle. You better treat him with the bestest of stuff and stuff unless you want your ASS KICKED by ME. He is the coolest, most modest, likeable, nicest gentleman in all the land. (That's of course, if you live in a world with only Women and one man =P)
simianantithesis: umm..
simianantithesis: yah im not bored to the point where i write in my own guestbook
simianantithesis: sorry
Aph0tic Dawn: hah
Aph0tic Dawn: then who was that?
Aph0tic Dawn: don't tell me i'm schizophrenic and would forget that i wrote in your guestbook
Aph0tic Dawn: omg wait
Aph0tic Dawn: LOL
Aph0tic Dawn: was that me?
simianantithesis: uhh
Aph0tic Dawn: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAA
Aph0tic Dawn: i think I AM a schizo
Aph0tic Dawn: i just realized i wrote that
simianantithesis: are you on something?
Aph0tic Dawn: back in march
Aph0tic Dawn: LOL
Aph0tic Dawn: *bangs head on the desk*
Aph0tic Dawn: delete my last comment
Aph0tic Dawn: hahahahahhahahaha
Aph0tic Dawn: me = idiot
simianantithesis: how sad...




*sigh* My memory is worse than that of a fish. Sorry, Ryan. haha.

Update

Song of the moment: Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand




A lot of interesting has happened to me in the last couple days. It just takes me a while to remember them... short-term memory sucks.



Wednesday


I took the bus downtown after school and picked up my first paycheck from Coldstone Creamery. I tried cashing my check at Wellsfargo, but since my mom basically gave away my old account and ATM card to my aunt in the Philippines (to make easier money transactions and stuff), they wouldn't let me cash it. I looked at my check and saw that it was from Bank of America, so I walked across the street and attempted to cash it there. The bitches charged me a 5 dollar whatever fee.


After that, I went straight to Toadal Fitness and signed up for a membership. I went on a tour of their small but cozy facilities the day before, but didn't have the funds to pay for it. The total price for the initiation fee, first month's due and LAST months due, and the "Queen" membership came to 96 dollars. Not bad. The initiation fee at 24 Hour Fitness alone is over 100 dollars. Damn coorporate fuck heads.


Anywho, after I signed up and talked with a trainer about scheduling my first (out of 8) free sessions, I walked on over to Logo's and bought Memoirs of a Geisha in addition to my winter break reading list. After that, I went to O'neals and bought my exchange gift for Conner, which was a neat camoflouge (I probably spelled that wrong, but I'm too lazy right now to go look it up) trucker hat which was conveniently 50% off. After that, I walked aroun, bought random things/presents for people, until I came across a "cute" little group of carolers in front of GAP.


Or so I thought. They were actually protestors. They stood in front of GAP for hours singing anti-coorporation/sweat shop songs/christmas shoppers who shop at places like Gap in the tunes of famous Christmas carols. They also had a big projector placed on top of someone's car and showed slides of children working in factories, charts, etc. I laughed and watched them for about 15 minutes while trying to hide my O'Neil surf shop bag. I also took home some of their fliers--one of which had Che Gueverra printed next to the words, "RAGE AGAINST THE SWEATSHOPS". They gave me an idea for a new article: 'Crazy Hippies Attempt To Bring Down the GAP'. Just kidding. I'll just pitch the whole sweatshop idea to someone else. I already wrote an article on 'world hunger', I am not about to write another important news article. I'm too lazy to do the research (I'm too lazy period).


After my short enlightenment on the dangers of shopping at big sweatshop-using clothing, I went to Borders and studied my lines for my first rehearsal for Sacajawea. After that, I walked on over to the Actor's theatre, rehearsed witht he cast for 2 hours, etc...


I have to cut my blogging short today. I have to go and get ready for my youth group's Chrismas Party at 5 and I'M STILL IN MY PAJAMAS holy crap. Yeah I'll blog later... if I remember



   

Color Quiz

I took a "color quiz" in which I just allowed my subconscience to choose the colors in consecutive order. Here are my results:


"Your Existing Situation

Authoritative or in a position of authority, but liable to feel that further progress is rendered problematical by existing difficulties. Perseveres despite opposition.


"Your Stress Sources

Strives for straight-forward relationships, founded on mutual trust and understanding. Wishes to act only in conformity with her own convictions. Demands freedom to make her own decisions without being subjected to interference, outside influence, or the necessity of making compromises.


Your Restrained Characteristics

Exacting in her emotional demands, especially during moments of intimacy leaving her frustrated in her desire for a perfect union.
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.


Your Desired Objective

Feels the existing circumstances are hostile and is exhausted by conflict and quarreling. Wishes to protect herself and hides her intentions to avoid exposing them to attack, so that they will be safer and easier to achieve. Careful to avoid stirring up any opposition which might endanger her plans.


Your Actual Problem

Fears that her independence will be threatened or severely restricted unless she protects herself from outside influence. Does not want to be bothered.


Your Actual Problem #2

Needs to protect herself against her tendency to be too trusting, as she finds it is liable to be misunderstood or exploited by others. As a result, she adopts a critical and stand-offish attitude, being willing to participate only where she can be assured of sincerity and trustworthiness."






Hmm... my results are suprisingly accurate.





   

Mmm.. Surveys are fun.

Random things
Do you have your own room?:	No, I sleep in the living room. I'm that ghetto. XD
How many computers?:	Three new computers, and two extra computers that we don't need anymore.
How many phones?:	Three that work, and a few broken ones.... I accidentally sat on them. *cries*
TVs?:	Three. (lots of three's.....)
How many people live in your home?:	Five people. Me, my mom, my step-dad, my brother, and my sister.
How many bathrooms?:	One and a HALF. (I don't know why they call it "half"... a bathroom is a bathroom, right? Sheesh.)
Where is the computer located?:	One in the living room (where I sleep), one in my mom and step-dad's room, and the other in my brother's room.
ceiling fans? how many?:	HAH. We're too poor to have ceiling fans. =\
how many rooms?:	Two bed rooms.
what is in your fridge?
soda?:	We don't have soda.
alcholic beverages?:	None. (my family's so plain..... or maybe it's just because we're poor. hah.)
cheese?:	Uhhh, we have three different types of cheese, I think. Not really a cheese person.
veggies?:	A lot?

What is in your house? brought to you by BZOINK!

How and When will YOU die?
Created by andy and taken 18215 times on bzoink!
Name
Age
Birth Month	JanuaryFebruaryMarchAprilMayJuneJulyAugustSeptemberOctoberNovemberDecember
Die on	April 13, 2033
Die of	Too much internet usage
You will feel pain	True
Create a Quizlet | Search Quizlets | Go to bzoink!

   

Jay-Zeezer.com - A MUST SEE & LISTEN!!

Song of the moment: 99 Problems With Buddy Holly by 'Jay-Zeezer'


--->JAY-ZEEZER.COM<---


I Google'd Weezer's Blue Album, when I found this site. Let me just say.... HOLY SHIT. The DJ combined songs from Weezer's Blue Album and Jay-Z's Black Album. The song playing right now is a "99 Problems With Buddy Holly" in which DJ Mike combined Weezer's Buddy Holly with Jay-Z's 99 Problems. I usually don't advertise other people's website like this, but I really, really, really, recommend that you guys check it out. Both Rap and Rock fans will NOT regret it!


Anywho, another thing that got me really exciiiiiited today was when my brother showed me the Japanese and English trailers for the... *drum role please*

FINAL FANTASY VII MOOOVIIIEEE!!!

Holy shit, folks. Two awesomely fabulous news in one day. I think that movie is out in theaters in Japan right now, and I just hope they'll release it out in theaters here also, instead of just releasing it out on DVD. Oh my God.


I almost SHAT MY PANTS while I was watching the trailers. I'm just a nerd like that. But yeah, you guys should definitely look more in to that... I'm too lazy right now to research for the release dates right now, so yeah. I also have to go finish up the final draft for my articles.


________ROCK_ON!!!____________


   

Gahh... SO BUSY!

Busy with work, busy with school, busy with journalism, busy making up all my missed assignments from when I was too lazy to go to school, busy with caroling (youth group) practice, busy with church, busy with youth group (in general), busy memorizing my lines, WILL be busy with rehearsals (starting Wednesday), BUSY BUSY MOTHERFUCKING BUSY.


Argh. I'm sad because I have a veeeery limited time to blog/check my mail/messages. Wah. I'm about 1/3 done with my "What is Art?" article, and I haven't even started my "World Hunger" article yet. I'm retarded because I've been studying world hunger in my world communities class ever since the beginning of the year, and I'm still hesitating way too much on what I want to write about. I usually get writer's block before I start writing anything for school, but once I get over that, I'm usually a TYPING MACHINE. Fuck. I need to stop writing in this and get to work


(Haha, wow. That only took me 3 minutes to type! I'm so awesome....except not, because I'm really just a nerdy loser.)


   

Quizes, Quizes, Quizes

A Trick or Treater


Which character from The Nightmare Before Christmas are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


I'm not... mischievous... I just like to make people cry and laugh at their pain and embarassment. *trips the next person she sees and blames it on the dog*

Reincarnation: What or who will you be in your next life?
Full Name
Age
You will be	A Hollywood madam
Your next life will last	2 years
This cool quiz by blurred - Taken 5960 Times.

New - Help with love and dating!

Wow. So I'll be a 2-year old Hollywood madam? Pimpin' in my diapers. Nice.

Insanity Test
Username
Age
Your problem is	Schizophrenia
Will you ever be cured?	(8) - Don't count on it. - (8)
Just how crazy are you? - 78%
This cool quiz by insanitydefense - Taken 316852 Times.

New! Get Free Horoscopes from Kwiz.Biz

HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA. That's awesome. One of my old blogger themes used to be "Schizo". Booyah, bitches! (Wait.. isn't that a bad thing? =\)

What does your middle name mean?
Name / Username
Your name means	I love to screw little dogs
This cool quiz by OSUangel12 - Taken 16855 Times.

New! Get Free Daily Horoscopes from Kwiz.Biz

*shock* I've always wondered what it ment!







   

CRAP I HAVE TO MEMORIZE MY LINES

I've had my script for almost a month now and I only have my opening monologue memorized. Our first rehearsal is on Friday, and they expect us to be offscript. Eh... oh well, I'm better at memorizing things the last minute, anyway. It just sucks, though because this isn't a high school play. It's in an actual theater, where real actors that have already graduated from college and have their performing arts degrees get paid to perform. I'm just a lowly senior from Harbor High. I don't know why they picked me for the part---THE LEADING ROLE OF SACAJAWEA. Maybe it's because I was one of the only ones who auditioned that actually looked Native American? Hah. I keep saying that, but my friends tell me it's not true.

People tell me that I have great stage presence, and that I have a huge, articulated voice. I guess it pays to be a loud, obnoxious little Asian girl. Who can talk without stuttering. Yay for articulation and projection!

Anywho, I was really intimidated by my co-stars. One of them went to the University of Oregon, majored in performing arts, and now has a job somewhere with computers but auditions for plays now and then. The rest are over 30 and I think one of them has a daughter older than me. *shrug*

Why the fuck am I writing in this when I could be memorizing my lines? I don't know. The Internet is too addicting, I guess. Or maybe it's the typing. I love to type. It's really fun when you can type 100 words a minute and just talk about your thoughts as they bounce up and down like an energizer bunny inside your maniacal head. Hah. Bunnies are fun.


   

Out with the old, in with the new

Song of the moment: Hashpipe by Weezer


   Change is good. I love my new layout and I hope everyone else who reads my blog enjoys it too. EXCEPT I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression..... I AM NOT GOTH. Okay? Okay. Anywho, I'm way too tired right now to write something insightfull that happened to me today, so maybe I'll do it later. I have to get ready for work, anyways.

This is lame

Damnit I'm so fucking bored right now. I skipped school (again) today, I have homework piled to the ceiling and have absolutely no motivation to do any of it. I have three articles for Journalism ("World Hunger," "What is Art?," and "Strange But True), an oral book review, a stupid "round table" presentation/group discussion about human rights, article presentation for World Communities, vocab, reading, UGH. This is all my fault. I haven't had any motivation to do actual 'productive' work for weeks now. I'm always lingering around the house, or on the computer, and I STILL don't get enough sleep. This is lame.

I need some fucking substance in my life other than school. Or maybe I just need to stop being lazy and just do my shit. I'm such a hypocrite. I always complain about not having enough time to do something, yet I waste 70% of my life doing absolutely nothing. For example, this blog. I would rather write in this blog or fill out one of those lame time-consuming surveys for hours than finish my homework. And I can't do my homework if I don't feel 100% up for it, because I hate not having everything perfect. I would rather have nothing at all than have something that I create and present to people that has flaws or isn't as good as it should be. I know my blog has a lot of flaws, fallacious theories, typos, and maybe a little red-neck like grammar, but it's okay because no one who really knows me read it anyway. And i'm not being graded by it. I may be getting judged... possitively or negatively, but it doesn't matter. I'm not as fastidious about the informatlities of online journals as I am about essays, presentations, or anything that is graded on a rubic scale.

And what I love about online journals is that you can just say whatever pops into your head. Everytime I blog, I usually just type what I'm thinking and based on my thoughts, I make up some lame title and say it's done. It's very theraputic. I never have to worry about writer's blocks, or spell/grammar checks, or sourcing. That's the beauty of it. It's just there.... naked and open for everyone to see. A doorway into my head. And I offer it to anyone who has time/is bored/interested/whatever to read my entire life story. Because I don't care who knows. God. It's so easy to say those words when it's just you and the computer. It's very intrapersonal.

Damnit this is lame. My thoughts are so scattered it's not even funny.
I need someone to talk to. I'm so tired of talking to myself... writing my feelings down on paper, instead of having a true and loyal confidant. My friends are too into their own shit/drama to even begin to comperehend my ambiguously psychological train of thought.

Maybe it's not them? Maybe it's me. I am, in many ways, emotionally closed off to most people. Sure, I may seem like an extrovert when you meet me, but that's not really me you're meeting. That's my fake, social self in which I use to get ahead of school/work/relationships. My inner self is more insecure. More quiet. More lazy, more depressed.

Wait, no. I'm lying. I'm both. I can be a really great person to be around--caring, friendly, easy to talk to. But then I can be the exact opposite, as well. I don't know what I am. I sometimes seek astrological help when I feel like being gullible. It's sometimes nice to have other people tell you "what" you are.

GEMINI

"There's two of you! Yes, you're borm under the sign of the Twins. So Twin One is blithe, amusing and always informed. Twin Two is a heartless and amoral flake. Light-hearted, easily bored and seemingly able to process any emotion whatsoever in five minutes flat, you're the heartbreaker of the zodiac. Some call you fickle but you go along with the Chinese sage Confucius (another Gemini) that 'only the wisest and the stupidest never change.' Irked as you can be by the demands of everyday love, you can be up for the unrequited romance or secret frission that is never quite kept at an exciting boil.

--from the astrology-based book, Soul Mating

Dreaming of my escape

Song of the moment: Dreamland by The Appleseed Cast

hammers and nails i've used them for building my face this time tomorrow.
when i see you again outside.
and inside i can hide my sorrow.
talking in such a dirty way
found a way i could come back.
catch your eye it's just the same as reminding me of what i wanted.
its what you are.
tried my list of all excuses.
ran outside lost in pain.
put it on turn up the music.
laugh and laugh about how lost i was.
it's what you are my friend.
things change you know.
don't stand around and wait.
take a step.
one more step don't fall down balance now.
there's no denying this is what you are
take a step.
one more step don't fall down balance now.
there's no denying this is what you are
take a step.
one more step don't fall down balance now.
there's no denying this is what you are




I have been feeling unusually happy lately. It all ended though, right after I got off the bus about two hours ago. I walked past the Christmas tree lot on my street when I realised that my family and I haven't had a "real" Christmas (presents, family dinner, christmas tree, decorations) in nearly 5 years. I then walked by some homes with decorative Christmas lights and ornaments. I realised how desperately I wanted that whole family Christmas/togetherness vibe, but knew that that will never ever happen... not with my family. We'll probably end up bickering on Christmas Eve and I'll probably call Caroline to see if I can spend Christmas day at her house.

On my melancholy walk home, tears started to fall down my cold, icy face as I stared at the beautifully lighted homes with sadness and envy. I then made up an impromptu poem and said it aloud to myself. It went something like this:



"Dreaming of my escape"

A world of light and beauty sorrounds me.
Houses of red, green and gold
Laughing voices of togetherness and joy
Openly tease me.
Like waving a piece of bread
In front of a famished man
Desperately reaching out
For the inevitable.

A world of light and beauty sorrounds me.
Brightly twinkling shades of yellow
And stars a glow.
Everything looks wonderful.
Everything looks peaceful.
It all sorrounds me,
This black hole that I live in
A tyrant that transforms everything wonderful
To nothing.
I spend my days and nights
Sitting in my aphotic, black room
Enviously staring out the window to
This foreign world
Of light and beauty.



Peter: what do u mean by 'Desperately reaching out
For the inevitable.'
I am NOT pangit: i meant that as "wanting death to come sooner"
I am NOT pangit: i'm going to revise it later
I am NOT pangit: i wrote it down as soon as i got home so i wouldn't forget it
I am NOT pangit: if you're dying of hunger
I am NOT pangit: and someone is teasing you with a piece of bread
I am NOT pangit: wouldn't you want to end your misery asap?
I am NOT pangit: i don't know, i guess that analogy is too much
I am NOT pangit: but that is how i felt




...just in case someone else was confused.

Old pictures

I Google'd my screen name and found my old Findapix accounts. There, I found some old pictures I haven't seen in almost two years: (click image to view larger version)













Crazy....